Crying on the Inside

Life doesn't feel merry, but still the Lord sends blessings everyday.  One morning I was particularly distraught and my girlfriend sent a text that she was praying for me.  And that same day my Pastor sent me an email letting me know he was thinking of me and praying.  The next day the Lord sent a friend over and she let me know she is praying for me. My friend said she could feel the peace in our home and she told me that even though I am struggling the Lord is with me.

Okay, why isn't life merry?  On December 3rd, my oldest son left Colorado to go live in Utah.  He left without telling us or saying goodbye.  If it wasn't for my grandson and my daughter in-law I would not know.  Last year my youngest son disowned me and now this year my oldest son has.  There are no words.

I am shedding hair again since the shock of my son leaving (telogen effluvium).  I feel so beat down emotionally, physically and spiritually.  All I hear from the Lord is that He is going to heal me.  He confirms this to me through my girlfriend, through my husband and through my next door neighbor.  All of them who don't talk to one another and are saying the same thing to me, that the Lord is going to heal me.  Right now all I see doesn't look that way.  With a floater in my right eye, controchondritis in my left side, thinning hair, low body weight even though I eat about 4 to 5 meals a day it hard not to feel a shell of my former self.  I catch little glimpses of light here and there, but I am so depressed.  Been trying different antidepressants.  One got me too agitated.  This new one is more soothing, but not sure about it yet.

Also, I bought another wig named Ellis.  It's a short razor cut bob.  Its cute and I enjoy wearing it.  My wigs have names...first wig I bought I've named Patty, second wig was already named Julianne, third wig I've name Willow.  My favorite wigs are Patty and Ellis.  Julianne is not really me and Willow is more me, but is so fussy (which means she takes a lot more upkeep than my other wigs).  I am getting more used to wigs and wearing them more often.

I went to my endocrinologist and found out I am low in iron and ferritin.  As far as ferritin goes the range is 11 to 300.  My ferritin is 27.  At the point when I took the blood test I had a couple of weeks of carnivore eating under my belt, so the level could have been lower prior.  My doctor believes that the number one cause of hair loss is low iron.  So I am eating liver and red meat and hoping for the best.   

Thanksgiving

Sometimes when we are in the midst of trial, it is hard to be thankful.  That is the place I am in.  Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for the blessings I have.  So very thankful for my husband, my home, my cats, my grandsons, my pastor, family and friends.  There is plenty to be thankful for.  But that exhilarating thankfulness that overflows and makes you want to praise the Lord...unfortunately that is lacking in me.

Wednesday we had our grandsons over which was a blessing.  Thanksgiving day, Mark and I enjoyed a very quiet day.  It worked well because I was not feeling my best and I am usually tired after having the boys over.  The Lord blessed me with peace for our Thanksgiving day and He blessed all the food that I prepared.  Everything came out so yummy.  But unfortunately a couple of things popped up health-wise to give me discomfort.  My left heel seems to be swollen and it is painful to walk or stand on.  I don't know why this has happened.  Then last night out of the blue a floater popped up in my eye.  I am going to the ophthalmologist this morning to get it checked out and make sure it is nothing serious.

This morning I came across an article talking about the signs pancreatic patients have when they are not absorbing nutrients from their food. I have the signs. Some of the signs have improved due to the pancreatic enzymes I am taking.  The dizziness I used to have is gone.  The numbness and tingling I had in my arms and legs is gone.  The extreme exhaustion has turned to fatigue. Then there is the fact that I have to clip my toenails more often.  It used to be that they hardly grew.  My eyelashes have grown longer which is nice.  There are other signs, but the one improvement I want the most, my hair, has not improved.

Also, I have changed my diet in the past few weeks.  I am now eating loads of animal protein.  I have always been more on the vegetarian end.  I have never fully excluded animal products, but have always been more about plant products.  I heard about the carnivore diet and got ideas.  I still eat fruit and veggies and some carbs, but way less.  So far my blood sugar levels have lowered and my digestion has improved.  In the past when I cut carbs my body had a fit.  I had read somewhere that when your body gets adequate protein it won't crave carbs.  Well that seems to be true because this time my body isn't having a fit and I am not craving carbs like I have all my life.

Well, this is all for now, better get going with my day.  Hope it turns out to be a blessed day and your day as well. 
  

Lights, Camera, Action

My hubby invited me to a lunch with his co-workers on Friday.  So I got dressed up with a little make-up and my new wig.  I told Mark I was coming in my wig and I think when it went well, he was happy.  He said no one knew it was a wig.  Next, I went to a doctor appointment.  My doctor loved it.  Today, we had our grandsons over.  I showed my oldest grandson this picture of me with the wig and he said I look normal.  So he approved of the wig.  ;-) 

We did our Thanksgiving craft of turkey hands made with sheet foam and feathers.  It always amazes me how much children grow year to year.  Last year I did not get to do turkey hands with the boys, but I am thankful I did this year.  Everett and I did a special picture together.  He did a turkey hand on paper and colored it.  Then I cut it out and we glued it to another picture we made together.  That picture was done with autumn leaves from the backyard that we put under a paper and then colored over the leaf getting the impression.  It turned out really nice and I do so adore children's artwork.  I am blessed because my fridge is covered with it.  :-)

Today I didn't wear a wig.  After wearing the wig for 6 or 7 hours yesterday with a wig grip, my head got a pressure sore.  The wig grip works if I only need to wear the wig for a couple hours.  In fact earlier in the week I went shopping in my wig.  It was a really windy day and my wig did not budge in that wind.  So wig grips work, but for all day I need to use the body glue so I don't get the pressure sores. 

New Wig!

Well, after a 3rd try, I finally found a wig that I feel confident and most comfortable in and that my husband likes.  Of course I would prefer my own hair, but the Lord has not allowed that so far.  However, He has allowed this wig.

This is called "Work It" from Raquel Welch straight out of the box.  Sorry, no make-up for this shot, been having a few facial issues and have had to limit my make-up.  Anyhow, this wig is the most comfortable wig I own (I have 3).  I don't like wigs at all, but if I have to wear one I will choose this one.  When I look in the mirror I feel it's "me" and that is important.  To lose my hair has been the hardest trial ever.  Sniff...tears.  I did not imagine this for my senior years.

Neither did I imagine losing relationship with my sons and pancreatic insufficiency.  Those together are bad enough without piling hair loss on top of it.  My hubby is convinced my hair will come back once I am healthy.  I pray that I do get healthy again.  So far I have been unable to get to 100 lbs.  However, the signs of health I do have are the condition of my fingernails.  Also, my eyebrows seem to be fuller and my eyelashes have definitely gotten longer.  Very amazing since for years my fingernails have easily snapped off (especially in the dry fall/winter season which is now upon us) and my eyebrows and eyelashes have been on the sparse side for years.  So maybe health will slowly but surely envelope me, I pray that it does.

Back to Wigs

Well, my hair seemed to stabilize for a bit, but recently has thinned enough that I am back to wigs. Wearing a wig in the autumn/winter season in Colorado should be fine.  Pictured below is my Julianne wig.  I am not happy about the situation I am in with my real hair and I hope and pray that my God given hair grows back.  For now a wig is going to have to do, and I know I am not alone, there are plenty of other women struggling through just as I am.

I got sick with a tummy bug and wasn't able to eat as usual.  Dropped back down to 97 lbs., but this morning weighed in at 98 lbs. which makes me feel better.  I am not a happy camper right now, but have to keep moving forward with life.

Autumn Update

Well, Autumn begins September 23rd.  Here in Colorado we've had a touch of Autumn, but still mostly warmer temps. Wind has been blowing a lot which I am not fond of.  I got my Autumn decor out and spent a day decorating which was fun.

Now on to how I am doing.  Last I left off I had made a decision to wear wigs.  I went on to purchase another wig and the wig equipment. I wore them for a short bit.  However, because of my husband I have stopped wearing them.  Just between you and me, he doesn't really like them.  He insists my real hair is good enough because he doesn't see bald spots the way I fix it.  Plus I've had a couple of friends tell me I look fine too.  So I have been going around with my headbands and thin hair.  In my opinion it takes guts to do it.

Since last writing I had to adjust my dose of Creon, my pancreatic enzyme prescription. Upping the dosage has been key to me doing better and stabilizing my hair loss.  There is some hair growing in, but not very much right now.  My weight has improved slightly since upping the dosage. I used to be 95 lbs. but now I don't go below 97.  I saw my endocrinologist in early September and she said I need to get my weight up to 105 to 110 range to be healthy.

Currently my weight has been hanging out in the 98 lbs. range.  I am eating several times a day.  I have breakfast, lunch and dinner and snacks.  I take supplements, keep sugar to a minimum and eat lots of protein.  I took the grandkids to Chick-fil-A on weekend and we enjoyed their yummy lemonade.  On our way home I felt funny.  When I got home I got my glucose meter out and checked my blood sugar.  I gasped...NO more sugary drinks or food for me.

I am still weak and resting.  If I do too much, which I have, I get super tired and then it upsets my sleep and my emotional state.  So can't have too much stress.  I also found a new Christian counselor.  The first appointment was good, but hard.  I talked about so much stuff and after the appointment I let out a big sigh.  However, when I got home I cried.  Deep down I know there is a cesspool of  traumatic emotions I've not dealt with in regards to health and my sons.  My counselor thinks that dealing with it will bring health to my body.  I certainly hope it does.

The picture below is of Mark and I in the beautiful Colorado mountains.  Some friends from Arkansas came to visit and we took a drive to the mountains with them.  They took this picture of us.  Well, this is all for now.

Happy Autumn Y'all!

Getting Wiggy with Change

Well, I know in my last post, I was down on wigs.  Well, I've had a change in heart.  I was out shopping yesterday and went past a mirror.  It was then that I realized how thin my hair is.  My husband keeps telling me my hair is going to grow back and that I look fine.  Well, I don't know if my hair will grow back and I realized I don't look fine.  I look pathetic.

So time to do something about it.  After looking at myself in that mirror I drove home.  I got my wig out and finally got it adjusted to where I could stand it.  Then went out in public.  I felt better.  I am devastated about my real hair, I can barely stand what has become of it.  I have cried and cried to the Lord, only to see more hair lost.

I am not particularly wild about my first wig so thus ordering a new one.  Hoping I like the look of #2 better.  This whole journey is so hard.  Change is always hard.  My oldest grandson is going through change.  In 2 weeks he will be going to school for the first time.  He doesn't want to.  I sat holding him and we cried together because we are both afraid of changes in our lives.  At least we can tell each other "I love you".

So Very Hard

This time in my life is so very hard.  I've been through some really rough times, but for some reason this trial is a killer.  Its one thing to lose relationship with both my sons, that's bad enough.  But to find out my pancreas is damaged and lose my hair on top of that is more than I can bear.  There are some days I feel I cannot go on at all.  I am seeing a counselor and have a med to help, but still, there are no words for the pain.  Right now I am going through grief.  Some days all I can do is housework and play a Bible game on my cell phone.

 My hair loss situation is bad.  Being that my hair was thin to begin with it makes it all the more unbearable.  I have less hair than in my last photo in my last post.  I have pretty much lost the bangs that I had in that photo.  Not wanting to take pictures at this point.  Looking at old pictures makes me want to cry.  My husband is not accepting the situation well.  He loves me and wants me to have my hair and it pains him that it is slipping away.  He prays all the time for my hair to come back and believes the Lord will restore it.  I see some new growth in areas, but I am not sure.  Only time will tell.

I did get a wig, as I may have mentioned in a previous post.  I've worn it enough times that I know I hate it.  I've also been to wig shops and tried on various wigs and even ordered wigs online only to send them back.  I've watched lovely women on You Tube who wear wigs.  They love them and get confidence from them.  I don't know why I can't.  There was one day I wore the wig I have for 4 hours straight and could not wait to take it off because I was in agony.  I've not really worn it since, although I've tried to.  Plus I am a BIG fan of comfort and wigs to me are not comfortable.  But then too, I've been dealing with scalp sensitivity and there have been some sores on my scalp.  Slowly, one by one these sores have been healing up making a more calm scalp.

As an alternative to wigs, I have been looking into chemo cap wear.  There is a lovely woman named Carly Severn with alopecia and she wears caps and head wraps.  She is a true inspiration. So I went ahead and bought a few caps just in case.  Two of them I like, but the other one although comfortable, is not my cup of tea.  Plus, there are pros to cap wearing.  Caps are cheaper, more comfortable and easier to take care of. Wigs, on the other hand are a couple hundred dollars a pop and they only last 4 to 6 months. 

For right now, I am still wearing headbands as that is what pleases my hubby. Since I don't have any bald spots hubby thinks its okay.  And I've had friends graciously say they can't tell I have hair loss.  What I do have are thin spots and some that look fuzzy because there is some hair growing in.  What hair I do have is soft, shiny and lovely.  I just wish I had more of it, but right now the Lord sees otherwise.  I don't know what I am learning from all of this, but my hubby says patience.  ;-)

Always as we walk through heavy trials there are the little flowers in among the weeds. So on a happy note, Mark and I are celebrating our 36th wedding anniversary.  My precious husband took me jewelry shopping and purchased me a lovely plain gold band.  It is absolutely delightful to wear.  So thankful to the Lord for all His blessings. 

Dark Tunnel

Well, between my last post and now, things went down hill.  This has been a very hard trial and where I thought I saw light before has since disappeared.  Prayers are greatly appreciated.

In my last post I mentioned about a wig.  Well, I finally found one and got it styled and wore it out a few different times.  Unfortunately, it has come about that wigs are not quite for me.  The longest I wore it was to my ladies Bible study.  We meet at 9 a.m. and usually wrap up by 11 or noon.  I think that day we wrapped up at noon so I wore it for 4 hours straight.  Everyone loved the wig and thought it was great, but by the time I got home my scalp was in so much pain I couldn't stand it.  I haven't really worn the wig since.  So if I go bald, I am probably going to be wearing a Buff on my head.

May and June have shown more hair loss and weight too.  Down to 96 lbs even though I am eating more.  And I have been having what I call cortisol attacks.  Others might call them panic attacks.  Whatever, I began having these attacks.  One May morning after not sleeping most of the night I went and got the blood test my endocrinologist ordered for me back in February.  I had not been able to do it because of getting so ill in February.  Anyway, that test came back with a high cortisol reading and the A1C was up to 5.7.  So my endocrinologist (Dr. Kim) sent me a letter with the test results saying I need to schedule an appointment.  What alarmed me in the letter was that she said I have pancreatic insufficiency.

Back in February she had given me a prescription for a digestive enzyme called Creon.  I filled the prescription, but did not take it because of all the mess I was going through.  Finally in May I took my first couple of pills and it seemed to instantly calm my cortisol attack.  But my tummy seemed to get upset by the pills so I stopped them.  A few weeks later I was having another bad cortisol attack and decided to take the Creon again to see if it would calm the attack.  It did the same thing again minus the tummy upset. So I have been taking them ever since and it has really made a difference in my digestion.  I can eat without the pain which has plagued me for years.  After seeing Dr. Kim she assured me I don't need to worry about diabetes right now, so that is a load off.  And we decided that my pancreas most likely got damaged from the sepsis in 2007.  And she said with how sick I got in February I should have gone to ER.  She said I could have been septic.

Unfortunately, the cortisol attacks returned after a few days of taking the Creon.  And more hair fell out making my hair even thinner.  I also went to Dr. Lara, and she seems to think that if I can get some good sleep under my belt that all this will go away.  She gave me some pills that were supposed to help me sleep, but I didn't like them.  So I just been sticking with my regular Xanax to help me sleep and taking the herb Ashwaganda which is supposed to help balance cortisol and it really has been helping.  Except I think it might be the cause of my loose stools.  Sigh, always something.

Thankfully, in all this mess, one evening my sweet hubby came home with a big bouquet of flowers for me.  It was so wonderful because I had been having a cortisol attack all day.  So he took me to urgent care.  There they told me they couldn't do anything for me, but then I asked them if I could get a scan of my adrenal glands to make sure there isn't a tumor or something.  So they ordered me a CT scan of my adrenal glands.  So I am getting that tomorrow.  Hoping if there is something wrong that it will show up.  If all is well, then I will have to trod the "mental" route.  Which I have my first counseling appointment this Thursday, sigh. 

Latest pic of me with my thinning hair.

Doesn't look bad with all the hair pushed forward.

Finally Seeing some Light

Just a warning, this is going to be a novel, so grab a hot beverage and get cozy.  :-)

The last time I wrote I was working on my health.  What I failed to mention was that there were family issues going on and they were so stressful that my health was on the rocks.  The Christmas season was a little stressful, but not too bad.  We got to see our grandsons and give them gifts, which was totally a blessing of the Lord.  The key was lowering my expectations, oh how necessary that was. Instead, I placed my expectations with the Lord and waited on Him.  A better place to be I think.  ;-)

January seems a blur, but health-wise I remember my hair began thinning more so I went to the doctor to have my thyroid checked at the advice of my sister, who had the same issue going on.  My sister's doctor put her on thyroid med.  For me, that wasn't the case, my thyroid came out to be fine.  I followed up that appointment with an endocrinologist in early February, who checked out my thyroid via ultrasound.  It was normal.  At the time I went into see her, I had some swollen glands in my neck, which she checked those and said they were normal despite being swollen.  She said I must be fighting something off so best thing to do was rest.

So the next day I stayed home and rested.  Mind you at the same time this was all going on I was still trying to keep my fungal rash stuff under control through diet and supplements.  It was at the end of January my bowels began cramping and doing unusual stuff.  I thought it might be from the supplements that I was taking.  But then the day after resting with my swollen glands my bowel went crazy.  I don't know what happened, but I was on the floor of my bathroom and the pain was so bad I nearly passed out.  Then I exploded from both ends and my body went into shock.  Afterward I went to my GP and all he could say was that I had some kind of viral infection.  He seemed unconcerned.

So I went home and tried to carry on my life as normal, but I didn't feel well.  Then exactly one week later my bowels began cramping like I have never felt before and I completely emptied out.  Another week went by and it happened again, but less severe that time.  I had been missing my ladies Bible study group and I wanted to go, so I bit the bullet and went.  I thought once I was there it would make me feel better.  It was February 23rd, and I was sitting with the ladies and all the sudden I had this weird feeling wash over me.  I felt like I was going to pass out.  They prayed over me and I finally got stable enough that I drove myself home.  After that day that feeling kept plaguing me.  It was so bad I sometimes felt like I was going to die.

The feeling would plague me whenever.  I couldn't go out very often for fear I would pass out in a public place.  I didn't know what was causing it.  My arms would get a numb/tingling feeling, sometimes it would be in my legs too.  Sometimes it would last hours, sometimes days.  I basically had no control.  As for my bowel, it was doing better, but not completely.  I didn't know if the two were related.  So I went to my bowel doctor and after exam he thought I am fine, but ordered a CT scan to see for sure.  So I got that set up for March 19, but then had to reschedule it to April 2nd. I also went back to my GP's office and they ran a load of blood tests which all came back normal.

During this time, my weight dropped down to 96 lbs, which I had never been 96 lbs in my adult life.  Anyway, praise be to God, exactly one month from the time the spells started they stopped.  So thankful the Lord had mercy on me.  However on March 23rd my kitty injured herself and was in tremendous pain.  She was shaking and she had vomited.  I took her to the emergency vet as it was a Saturday night.  They couldn't find anything wrong with her they just gave her a nausea shot and fluids.

On Monday I called around and finally got Daisy kitty into a vet.  Again they couldn't find anything wrong with her on exam.  So we did blood and urine tests.  Nothing.  Then we did xrays and again, nothing.  So they sent us home with pain medicine.  Daisy did not like the pain medicine and fought it so much we gave it up.  So we just let her be, but she was in horrible pain, I couldn't stand it.  I did not know what to do, I thought of putting her down, but she was functioning and healthy otherwise.  This is when I noticed my hair was falling out again and a bald spot emerged.

Finally it was the day that I prepped for my CT scan.  I had the kind of scan where they fish a tube and wire down your nose into your small bowel.  It was nasty getting the tube and wire in, but it got done.  Then the scan wasn't bad until they injected the dye and wow!  Anyway, I was woozy after that, but I had to get Daisy to the vet since my trusted side kick (hubby) was with me.  We had noticed that Daisy was limping on her left back leg.  So the vet examined and pushed and pulled and xrayed.  They gave us a better pain med and we came home.  Well, we had been praying for Daisy and lo and behold the next day Daisy was better.  Mark and I think that she must have dislocated something in her back leg and when the vet did her exam she pushed it back in place.  I did have her on the pain meds for some days which helped her be more comfortable, but after a few days she didn't need it anymore.  Praise the Lord!  So I have my little friend back, she is sitting here beside me as I type this.  What a blessing she is!

As of right now, I got notice from the hospital where my CT scan was performed, that my bowel is fine, no blockages.  And my liver, gallbladder and pancreas are fine as well.  And thankfully as of this writing my bowel has calmed down and is working better and I have finally gained a couple pounds.  I gave up all the supplements I was taking and switched to different ones are targeted on my anxiety.  I have learned that anxiety affects our bowel is a huge way.  And I took up drinking Apple Cider Vinegar (Bragg's) in water before breakfast, which has completely cleared up the fungal rashes.  And I began taking a supplement called Triphala which has been helping my bowel return to normal next to eating prunes.  ;-)  Also switched to a high potassium diet and began using progesterone cream.  Hoping all the changes help me get back to health and grow me some hair.  ;-)

Also, another interesting thing in all of this mess was the use of alternative sweeteners.  I decided to use Stevia, Xylitol and Erythritol.  They are supposed to be natural and without much side effects.  Well, when I ran into those horrible bowel problems I had been using those for months.  I stopped them when the bowel issues came on me.  Since stopping them I am doing better.  So I am kind of thinking that maybe those alternative sweeteners are not as safe as they say.  This girl is sticking to coconut sugar, cane sugar, maple syrup and honey.  Just learning to use less of them.

As for the hair journey...you must stay tuned!  I bought my first wig on-line and it came this week.  Unfortunately, my hubby and I didn't like it, so I sent it back.  The wig companies are great about returns and make it easy.  So nice!  On April 16 I am scheduled to meet with Terry to have consult about wigs.  I am excited.  For right now I am wearing wide headbands to cover my bald spot.  Its been fun.  Been watching tutorials on You Tube about make up and having fun with trying that. I turned 58 this March and I feel I am embarking on a new journey.  Sending you big blessings for your journey...XO