Crying on the Inside

Life doesn't feel merry, but still the Lord sends blessings everyday.  One morning I was particularly distraught and my girlfriend sent a text that she was praying for me.  And that same day my Pastor sent me an email letting me know he was thinking of me and praying.  The next day the Lord sent a friend over and she let me know she is praying for me. My friend said she could feel the peace in our home and she told me that even though I am struggling the Lord is with me.

Okay, why isn't life merry?  On December 3rd, my oldest son left Colorado to go live in Utah.  He left without telling us or saying goodbye.  If it wasn't for my grandson and my daughter in-law I would not know.  Last year my youngest son disowned me and now this year my oldest son has.  There are no words.

I am shedding hair again since the shock of my son leaving (telogen effluvium).  I feel so beat down emotionally, physically and spiritually.  All I hear from the Lord is that He is going to heal me.  He confirms this to me through my girlfriend, through my husband and through my next door neighbor.  All of them who don't talk to one another and are saying the same thing to me, that the Lord is going to heal me.  Right now all I see doesn't look that way.  With a floater in my right eye, controchondritis in my left side, thinning hair, low body weight even though I eat about 4 to 5 meals a day it hard not to feel a shell of my former self.  I catch little glimpses of light here and there, but I am so depressed.  Been trying different antidepressants.  One got me too agitated.  This new one is more soothing, but not sure about it yet.

Also, I bought another wig named Ellis.  It's a short razor cut bob.  Its cute and I enjoy wearing it.  My wigs have names...first wig I bought I've named Patty, second wig was already named Julianne, third wig I've name Willow.  My favorite wigs are Patty and Ellis.  Julianne is not really me and Willow is more me, but is so fussy (which means she takes a lot more upkeep than my other wigs).  I am getting more used to wigs and wearing them more often.

I went to my endocrinologist and found out I am low in iron and ferritin.  As far as ferritin goes the range is 11 to 300.  My ferritin is 27.  At the point when I took the blood test I had a couple of weeks of carnivore eating under my belt, so the level could have been lower prior.  My doctor believes that the number one cause of hair loss is low iron.  So I am eating liver and red meat and hoping for the best.