So Very Hard

This time in my life is so very hard.  I've been through some really rough times, but for some reason this trial is a killer.  Its one thing to lose relationship with both my sons, that's bad enough.  But to find out my pancreas is damaged and lose my hair on top of that is more than I can bear.  There are some days I feel I cannot go on at all.  I am seeing a counselor and have a med to help, but still, there are no words for the pain.  Right now I am going through grief.  Some days all I can do is housework and play a Bible game on my cell phone.

 My hair loss situation is bad.  Being that my hair was thin to begin with it makes it all the more unbearable.  I have less hair than in my last photo in my last post.  I have pretty much lost the bangs that I had in that photo.  Not wanting to take pictures at this point.  Looking at old pictures makes me want to cry.  My husband is not accepting the situation well.  He loves me and wants me to have my hair and it pains him that it is slipping away.  He prays all the time for my hair to come back and believes the Lord will restore it.  I see some new growth in areas, but I am not sure.  Only time will tell.

I did get a wig, as I may have mentioned in a previous post.  I've worn it enough times that I know I hate it.  I've also been to wig shops and tried on various wigs and even ordered wigs online only to send them back.  I've watched lovely women on You Tube who wear wigs.  They love them and get confidence from them.  I don't know why I can't.  There was one day I wore the wig I have for 4 hours straight and could not wait to take it off because I was in agony.  I've not really worn it since, although I've tried to.  Plus I am a BIG fan of comfort and wigs to me are not comfortable.  But then too, I've been dealing with scalp sensitivity and there have been some sores on my scalp.  Slowly, one by one these sores have been healing up making a more calm scalp.

As an alternative to wigs, I have been looking into chemo cap wear.  There is a lovely woman named Carly Severn with alopecia and she wears caps and head wraps.  She is a true inspiration. So I went ahead and bought a few caps just in case.  Two of them I like, but the other one although comfortable, is not my cup of tea.  Plus, there are pros to cap wearing.  Caps are cheaper, more comfortable and easier to take care of. Wigs, on the other hand are a couple hundred dollars a pop and they only last 4 to 6 months. 

For right now, I am still wearing headbands as that is what pleases my hubby. Since I don't have any bald spots hubby thinks its okay.  And I've had friends graciously say they can't tell I have hair loss.  What I do have are thin spots and some that look fuzzy because there is some hair growing in.  What hair I do have is soft, shiny and lovely.  I just wish I had more of it, but right now the Lord sees otherwise.  I don't know what I am learning from all of this, but my hubby says patience.  ;-)

Always as we walk through heavy trials there are the little flowers in among the weeds. So on a happy note, Mark and I are celebrating our 36th wedding anniversary.  My precious husband took me jewelry shopping and purchased me a lovely plain gold band.  It is absolutely delightful to wear.  So thankful to the Lord for all His blessings.